Boundaries
Click Here for a Video of the Boundary Talk I Gave on September 18th**
And here are a few resources/suggestions I typed up to go along with it:
A visual guide to the window of tolerance I did not make this- NICABM did.
Tips for Knowing your boundaries and Holding Them:
• If you can just say “yes” “no” or “I don’ know” and these feel clear then these are all valid and welcome- the following are suggestions for if you have trouble with that or if you are not entirely clear on your yes or your no.
• Build self knowledge (what are your values? How do they differ from those of your
peers? Partner(s) if any? Parents/caregivers? Societal expectations/norms?
• What societal/family/other messages have I internalized about boundaries? All these
ideas about boundaries that are not your true needs/wants are not coming from
nowhere- they are coming from somewhere- identifying them as an outside source
internalized can be helpful it identify and begin to separate from messages like “others
have to come first”, “I need to take care of people for me to matter to them”, “I’m not
allowed to express my needs”, “expressing my needs doesn’t matter because they won’t
be heard”.
• Find community (build supportive community for folks who have a genuine desire to
hear and respect your boundaries-
• Establishing hard no and hard yes both broadly and for specific circumstances you think will come up/are likely to come up: In sex and relationships (and be specific with that specific partner), at work, with childcare, with emotional/physical exhaustion, with loneliness/depression/overwhelm, with alone time, etc.
• Rehearsing (practicing what you want to say)
• Ask someone to clarify more about what they are wanting/what their intentions are (or
pause to do that yourself).
• Identifying supportive people who you think are likely or more likely to respect your yes and your no- start with them
• Pausing- If uncomfortable, uncertain, or having a feeling you can’t quite identify PAUSE.
• If you have trouble asking or saying you want to pause (the conversation, the activity)
directly, saying that you are going to get a snack, go to the bathroom, get a glass of
water, check your e-mail, say “I’ll need to call you right back”. , etc can be helpful.
• Starting small
• Grounding yourself (if possible) to clarify what your boundaries are (breathe, meditate,
move to a different room or location, go for a walk, etc)
• The other person’s reaction does not mean anything about you/your boundary MOST of the time- their discomfort with your boundary is not because your boundary is
bad/wrong/unfair UNLESS your boundary is about controlling them.
• Checking body cues
• Remembering times that you had a similar feeling in your body or a similar circumstance and how that went/how that felt based on your decision
• Journaling about your wants, needs, and values
• Finding practices that help you ground yourself/get back to your window of tolerance
and practicing them
• Whenever possible, take fear out of the decision making boundaries- fear is not WHAT
your boundaries are- it’s a potential block to clarifying them
• If possible, actually do have a snack if you are hungry or have not eaten in the last
couple of hours or drink some water. Both of these can help ground you.
• Suggest an alternative:
• Can we revisit this in 10 min, tomorrow, later?
• I love the idea of watching a movie, how about an action movie instead?
• Practice saying no or correcting people in safe and per-designated spaces (e.g. I am
going to tell my friend I don’ have time to talk today if they call, I am going to tell my
other trans friend my new name and ask them to use that for me).
• Ask your therapist or a friend to get something small wrong on purpose so you can
correct them in a pre-agreed upon way and circumstance to practice saying
no/correcting someone (e.g. favorite color).
• -Ask someone before saying no, how would you react if I did'n’t want to do ______?
• There are of course also more direct ways to say No. It’s great to practice those -
starting in places that feel the safest and supportive if possible.
• Are there people who already actively check in with you to make sure something is
okay? Start with those people.
• Set specific rules/guidelines/boundaries at the start of a relationship/activity/interaction
(or further in if not at the start) and refer back to those rules if something comes up.
• Other ways to say no: no, not right now, I’ll think about it, I’ll consider it/mull it over and get back to you, I’m more interested in ______, what if _______(insert alternative)
• Also, what can you do to be more supportive, affirming, and validating of someone
else’s no? Don’t forget to make this part of the learning process- both because it’s
helpful for the other person and the relationship and because it can be a way to model
how you want to be treated when you say no.
**please note that this video is not an endorsement of Center for Healthy Sex, they are just an organization I gave the talk for).
