Why Am I So Mean To Myself? (and what to do about it)
“Why am I so mean to myself?,” you may have wondered before. Or maybe even often. Is it because I deserve it? Is it because I just haven’t learned to push that negative voice away hard enough? That I just need to try harder? Or because I will never be loved if I am not perfect?
Here’s a few reasons I think we are so mean to ourselves:
We internalize narratives from societal BS. These narratives might be: racist narratives, transphobic narratives, ableist narratives, fatphobic or sizeist narratives, sexist narratives, etc. Or maybe they are narratives about productivity being worth. Or happiness being something everyone feels most of the time and we are the one messed-up exception that just can’t figure it out. I hesitate to even use the term “internalize” because this can make it sound like it is a weakness, fragility, or failing on OUR part for taking in aspects of these societal narratives. The reality is that we our emotional sponges floating in dirty sink water- we cannot help but adsorb the nastiness and negativity in the water that surrounds us. It is not our job to avoid taking in these narratives from the very beginning. Most of us have been exposed to these narratives before we even had words. It is instead about recognizing these narratives and naming them. We gain agency to begin the process of challenging these ideas by naming them. How can we let go of what we have not yet identified? Starting to let go of these internalized narratives is an ongoing process. It can be helpful to challenge how we show up even when we’re still struggling with these inner beliefs
What this can look like: My inner critic can sometimes tell me I am being “too much” for correcting someone on my pronouns, especially if I have had to do it multiple times. My inner critic tells me to not take up space- says on am too much. This is internalized transphobic that I am working through. It can be helpful to name it as that. To name that I am not too much, but also that that feeling is hard to struggle with and makes sense.
We internalize negative things we have been told by others (especially those closest to us)- this can be family, friends, exes, bullies, etc.
What this can look like: Say that your family keeps telling you “why can’t you be more like your brother?” At some point you might start to tell yourself the same thing. Even if part of you recognizes that you are your own person- with your own strengths and weaknesses and do not exist in comparison to your brother. AND/BUT, it also makes sense that you might compare yourself in your head when you grew up exposed to this narrative.
We internalize others’ values and narratives about us or about what success looks like.
What this can look like: Maybe you grew up in house where your passions were not seen as a serious or valid career choice. You were told to be “practical”, to become a doctor or a lawyer and to do something that the family that be proud of you for. So maybe you work on your creative writing, but your inner critic tells you that you are “being impractical” or that you’re “not good enough” or '“a disappointment”. When, actually, you individually value creativity and enjoy your writing. However, these narratives you learned stay with you in your head.
“Legacy burdens”- this is a term for the impact of generational trauma and emotional baggage- which can be more overt or more subtle.
What this can look like: Maybe your family comes from multiple generations of poverty- barely making ends meet. So maybe your inner critic tells you that you are being “greedy” or “irresponsible” for spending money on non-essentials even when you are financially doing okay and things are stable.
A focus on fault over feelings- sometimes when we are trying to heal from something we want someone to blame- sometimes so much that we blame ourselves.
What this can look like: Maybe your went through a terrible break up where there was hurt and fault on both sides. You tried blaming your ex, but you don’t want to hate them and know it’s not all their fault. So maybe your inner critic comes in to tell you “you ruined this relationship” or “you can never find love” to try to cope with the hurt of the break up. It’s not really about fault- there is no one to blame and this relationship does not represent all of who you are or what your future can hold, but it hurts. So your inner critic tries to make sense of and come with this hurt by blaming you.
Conflating action and identity- this is the concept when we say this action makes me ______ or means I am _______.
What this can look like: Maybe you got mad and yelled at a friend, but now you regret it. Maybe you tell yourself that you are a “mean person” or “bad person” rather than saying that that action was not ideal, not how your best self would have shown up, or not how you wanted to act.
Common Things Our Inner Critics Tell Us (the full list would be WAYYY to long to put in an article):
“I am too much”
“I am not enough”
“I am a failure”
“I am screwing up”
“I’m ugly”
“I’m broken”
“I’m unlovable”
“I’m a burden”
“I am gross”
“I’m a freak/weirdo”
“No one really likes me, they are just faking it/indulging me”
I can almost guarantee that whatever negative thing your inner critic is telling you that YOU ARE NOT ALONE in struggling with these thoughts.
What To Do About It:
Inherent worth and value- Learning, connecting with, and really taking in that your worth and value is NOT debatable, not changeable, not negotiable. You as a human being, have inherent worth and value- regardless of your mistake, choices, faults, wins, or losses. Terry crews talks about this in a wonderful video about being a man (starting at 4 min in). Though this video talks about being a man/manhood, the themes of shifting worth/value from external to internal are relatable to everyone.
Curiosity- be curious about what the inner critic- get to know it- not as an enemy you are fighting against but as a part of you. When is it the strongest? When is it the quietest? How does it feel in your body when this comes up? How does the critic sound? if you were to picture it as it’s own entity what would it look like? How do you relate to yourself when this voice is strong? How do you relate to other? Imagine a world where the narratives you were exposed to were different. Be curious about how that might shift things.
Understanding the Positive intentions of the Inner Critic- after building some general curiosity about your inner critic, see if you can try to understand what it is trying to do for you. There is this theory (one that I buy into) that uncomfortable feelings (like depression or anxiety) and uncomfortable modes/parts (like the inner critic) show up with a positive intention. That isn’t to say a positive outcome, just a positive intention. The intention to protect us from pain or hurt in some way. For example, maybe our inner critic tells us we are “not good enough” to try to motivate us to push harder so others in our lives to avoid feeling shame/hurt from our pitfalls or criticism from others. Or maybe our inner critic criticizes us saying we’re “lazy” to avoid the fear and pain of sitting why how hard something really feels for us, to avoid curiosity and to explain it away so we don’t have to sit with that feeling. Often our inner critc, paradoxically, shows up with the intention to protect us from pain. Some of this healing is in recognizing that we are capable of making space for and sitting with that pain without running from it. Not stewing in that pain, but feeling those uncomfortable feelings. (Will have a future article with more on sitting with and coping with uncomfortable feelings).
Compassion- building compassion for ourselves and building compassion for our critic even- by getting to know it’s positive intentions, seeing it as part of us and not our enemy- the more we fight it the more we build that internal tension, but if we feed into it/co-sign it, we feel defeated. Separating from it- seeing it as part of us, but not all of us, can be healing. Find more resources on self compassion here: self-compassion.org/
Diffusion- Related to separating from our inner critic is a technique called diffusion- this is where we notice and name our thoughts as thoughts and our feelings as feelings- not facts, not truths, not inevitability, just experiences/sensations/ideas. If I have the thought that “I am worthless”, that doesn’t make it true any more than having the thought “I am 10 feet tall” makes me 10 feet tall. It’s buying into that thought, something we often do automatically, that gives it so much power. Naming the thought as a thought takes away some of it’s power. Here is one thought diffusion practice you can try: leaves on a stream meditation.
Connection/”it’s not just me”- Meaningful connections where you are open about these critical thoughts and find out others can relate/you are not alone- the healing of connection and vulnerability is incredibly powerful.
Validation/being seen/where all of you is welcome- A space where you can be all of you- where the parts of you that you’ve felt the need to hide/shame/dissociate from can be held, loved, and even valued is incredibly healing.
Small steps to show up for yourself anyway- Taking steps towards what matters to you despite the self doubt or self criticism can help the self criticism feel less in control. For example, even if we think we are “being too much” for having a problem with something someone else said that hurt us, expressing our concerns anyway. Even writing down those concerns or being curious about those concerns if we aren’t able to say them out loud yet can be a step in the right direction.
Give yourself credit- recognizing your accomplishments, how far you’ve come, and checking out counter examples to the negative belief. This doesn’t mean the criticism will go away- just allowing that criticism to sit to the side of this. Imagining it not taking over your brain, but being one voice. And maybe eventually not the loudest voice.
Therapy/meditation/spiritual work/other forms of healing work depending on your style and needs- and, of course, getting support from ourselves in this work. Doing this alone is hard and having an outside perspective, having support and guidance, can be incredibly helpful.
In short, it’s not surprising that living in an imperfect world that we have learned to criticism and shame ourselves. This critic is not the enemy, but it often feels like one. Curiosity, connection, and self compassion (in small steps- this does not come overnight) can be incredibly helpful in building a better relationship with ourselves.
