I feel bad- now what?
So I’ve been thinking about how overwhelmed we get by uncomfortable feelings and how vague and ethereal the solutions tend to be- “have you tried going outside” or “what about yoga?”. And it’s not that going outside or yoga is bad but 1. chances are you’ve already thought if this on your own and 2. if it was accessible you would have done it or 3. you are already doing it.
Often we go between extremes- wanting to either avoid the uncomfortable feeling entirely or wallow in it/analyze it/get stuck in it. Neither of these feels good or sustainable- at least not for me.
I also wanted to come up with a way to cope with uncomfortable feelings that felt more accessible to neurodiverse folks- more formulaic, clear, step by step. Finally, I also wanted it to be easy to personalize. So, I made this list to break down how to cope with uncomfortable emotions.
**Brief definition of terms - an uncomfortable emotion is an emotion you have a had time sitting with (often sadness, grief, fear, panic, loneliness, but also sometimes joy or excitement).
So, here’s my step by step guide for when you feel an uncomfortable emotional
Name that you are feeling uncomfortable
Give the feeling a name (it can be a more conventional name like anxiety or it can a noise like “bllehh” or it can be a image or it can be a description like “body chaos feeling”)
Give yourself some self compassion for experiencing that uncomfortable feeling.
Feel it (suggested time is 30 sec to 5 min- actually feel the feeling- this can mean drawing the feeling, talking about it, noticing sensations in your body, letting your body express what it naturally wants to express (e.g. scream, cry)- but actually feeling it or being with the feeling- not pushing it away, analyzing it, etc).
Use a coping tools
Option 1: Speed up coping tools. Some examples include: dancing, going for a walk, playing with your cat, stream of consciousness writing.
Option 2: Slow Down coping tools. Some examples include: breath work, journaling, check in with all 5 senses and name what you are noticing.
Option 3: Connect coping tools. Some examples include: venting about something you are going through, sharing silly stories or anecdotes with friends, playing a game with a friend.
Check back in- still very overwhelmed? try another. Did the coping tool help a little? pick another from the same category? Didn’t help? Pick one from a different category.
Remind yourself that this feeling will peak and then it will fall- it’s okay to be hurting
See if you can identify a current unmet need that might be impacting the uncomfortable feeling. (if this feels too hard to identify just something might help big picture)
Identify what might help address that unmet need
Identify the smallest possible step
Take that step
Example:
Something uncomfortable is coming up
sadness/loneliness
This is hard right now
Feeling the prang of pain my my chest, the wobbling in my gut, the anxious tingling that comes with it, the heaviness in my body.
Cuddling a soft blanket, talking to a friend about what’s going on, hydrating
All of those helped a little, things are still hard- probably going to be a while. But also feeling a little drained- think some humor might help- watching something that makes me laugh/smile on youtube.
This feeling is gonna be here a while- not forever- but it’s okay right now
Probably needing more downtime, rest.
Nix any non-essential responsibilities the rest of this week
In this moment- go to bed early.
night!
Why Am I So Mean To Myself? (and what to do about it)
“Why am I so mean to myself?,” you may have wondered before. Or maybe even often. Is it because I deserve it? Is it because I just haven’t learned to push that negative voice away hard enough? That I just need to try harder? Or because I will never be loved if I am not perfect?
Here’s a few reasons I think we are so mean to ourselves:
We internalize narratives from societal BS. These narratives might be: racist narratives, transphobic narratives, ableist narratives, fatphobic or sizeist narratives, sexist narratives, etc. Or maybe they are narratives about productivity being worth. Or happiness being something everyone feels most of the time and we are the one messed-up exception that just can’t figure it out. I hesitate to even use the term “internalize” because this can make it sound like it is a weakness, fragility, or failing on OUR part for taking in aspects of these societal narratives. The reality is that we our emotional sponges floating in dirty sink water- we cannot help but adsorb the nastiness and negativity in the water that surrounds us. It is not our job to avoid taking in these narratives from the very beginning. Most of us have been exposed to these narratives before we even had words. It is instead about recognizing these narratives and naming them. We gain agency to begin the process of challenging these ideas by naming them. How can we let go of what we have not yet identified? Starting to let go of these internalized narratives is an ongoing process. It can be helpful to challenge how we show up even when we’re still struggling with these inner beliefs
What this can look like: My inner critic can sometimes tell me I am being “too much” for correcting someone on my pronouns, especially if I have had to do it multiple times. My inner critic tells me to not take up space- says on am too much. This is internalized transphobic that I am working through. It can be helpful to name it as that. To name that I am not too much, but also that that feeling is hard to struggle with and makes sense.
We internalize negative things we have been told by others (especially those closest to us)- this can be family, friends, exes, bullies, etc.
What this can look like: Say that your family keeps telling you “why can’t you be more like your brother?” At some point you might start to tell yourself the same thing. Even if part of you recognizes that you are your own person- with your own strengths and weaknesses and do not exist in comparison to your brother. AND/BUT, it also makes sense that you might compare yourself in your head when you grew up exposed to this narrative.
We internalize others’ values and narratives about us or about what success looks like.
What this can look like: Maybe you grew up in house where your passions were not seen as a serious or valid career choice. You were told to be “practical”, to become a doctor or a lawyer and to do something that the family that be proud of you for. So maybe you work on your creative writing, but your inner critic tells you that you are “being impractical” or that you’re “not good enough” or '“a disappointment”. When, actually, you individually value creativity and enjoy your writing. However, these narratives you learned stay with you in your head.
“Legacy burdens”- this is a term for the impact of generational trauma and emotional baggage- which can be more overt or more subtle.
What this can look like: Maybe your family comes from multiple generations of poverty- barely making ends meet. So maybe your inner critic tells you that you are being “greedy” or “irresponsible” for spending money on non-essentials even when you are financially doing okay and things are stable.
A focus on fault over feelings- sometimes when we are trying to heal from something we want someone to blame- sometimes so much that we blame ourselves.
What this can look like: Maybe your went through a terrible break up where there was hurt and fault on both sides. You tried blaming your ex, but you don’t want to hate them and know it’s not all their fault. So maybe your inner critic comes in to tell you “you ruined this relationship” or “you can never find love” to try to cope with the hurt of the break up. It’s not really about fault- there is no one to blame and this relationship does not represent all of who you are or what your future can hold, but it hurts. So your inner critic tries to make sense of and come with this hurt by blaming you.
Conflating action and identity- this is the concept when we say this action makes me ______ or means I am _______.
What this can look like: Maybe you got mad and yelled at a friend, but now you regret it. Maybe you tell yourself that you are a “mean person” or “bad person” rather than saying that that action was not ideal, not how your best self would have shown up, or not how you wanted to act.
Common Things Our Inner Critics Tell Us (the full list would be WAYYY to long to put in an article):
“I am too much”
“I am not enough”
“I am a failure”
“I am screwing up”
“I’m ugly”
“I’m broken”
“I’m unlovable”
“I’m a burden”
“I am gross”
“I’m a freak/weirdo”
“No one really likes me, they are just faking it/indulging me”
I can almost guarantee that whatever negative thing your inner critic is telling you that YOU ARE NOT ALONE in struggling with these thoughts.
What To Do About It:
Inherent worth and value- Learning, connecting with, and really taking in that your worth and value is NOT debatable, not changeable, not negotiable. You as a human being, have inherent worth and value- regardless of your mistake, choices, faults, wins, or losses. Terry crews talks about this in a wonderful video about being a man (starting at 4 min in). Though this video talks about being a man/manhood, the themes of shifting worth/value from external to internal are relatable to everyone.
Curiosity- be curious about what the inner critic- get to know it- not as an enemy you are fighting against but as a part of you. When is it the strongest? When is it the quietest? How does it feel in your body when this comes up? How does the critic sound? if you were to picture it as it’s own entity what would it look like? How do you relate to yourself when this voice is strong? How do you relate to other? Imagine a world where the narratives you were exposed to were different. Be curious about how that might shift things.
Understanding the Positive intentions of the Inner Critic- after building some general curiosity about your inner critic, see if you can try to understand what it is trying to do for you. There is this theory (one that I buy into) that uncomfortable feelings (like depression or anxiety) and uncomfortable modes/parts (like the inner critic) show up with a positive intention. That isn’t to say a positive outcome, just a positive intention. The intention to protect us from pain or hurt in some way. For example, maybe our inner critic tells us we are “not good enough” to try to motivate us to push harder so others in our lives to avoid feeling shame/hurt from our pitfalls or criticism from others. Or maybe our inner critic criticizes us saying we’re “lazy” to avoid the fear and pain of sitting why how hard something really feels for us, to avoid curiosity and to explain it away so we don’t have to sit with that feeling. Often our inner critc, paradoxically, shows up with the intention to protect us from pain. Some of this healing is in recognizing that we are capable of making space for and sitting with that pain without running from it. Not stewing in that pain, but feeling those uncomfortable feelings. (Will have a future article with more on sitting with and coping with uncomfortable feelings).
Compassion- building compassion for ourselves and building compassion for our critic even- by getting to know it’s positive intentions, seeing it as part of us and not our enemy- the more we fight it the more we build that internal tension, but if we feed into it/co-sign it, we feel defeated. Separating from it- seeing it as part of us, but not all of us, can be healing. Find more resources on self compassion here: self-compassion.org/
Diffusion- Related to separating from our inner critic is a technique called diffusion- this is where we notice and name our thoughts as thoughts and our feelings as feelings- not facts, not truths, not inevitability, just experiences/sensations/ideas. If I have the thought that “I am worthless”, that doesn’t make it true any more than having the thought “I am 10 feet tall” makes me 10 feet tall. It’s buying into that thought, something we often do automatically, that gives it so much power. Naming the thought as a thought takes away some of it’s power. Here is one thought diffusion practice you can try: leaves on a stream meditation.
Connection/”it’s not just me”- Meaningful connections where you are open about these critical thoughts and find out others can relate/you are not alone- the healing of connection and vulnerability is incredibly powerful.
Validation/being seen/where all of you is welcome- A space where you can be all of you- where the parts of you that you’ve felt the need to hide/shame/dissociate from can be held, loved, and even valued is incredibly healing.
Small steps to show up for yourself anyway- Taking steps towards what matters to you despite the self doubt or self criticism can help the self criticism feel less in control. For example, even if we think we are “being too much” for having a problem with something someone else said that hurt us, expressing our concerns anyway. Even writing down those concerns or being curious about those concerns if we aren’t able to say them out loud yet can be a step in the right direction.
Give yourself credit- recognizing your accomplishments, how far you’ve come, and checking out counter examples to the negative belief. This doesn’t mean the criticism will go away- just allowing that criticism to sit to the side of this. Imagining it not taking over your brain, but being one voice. And maybe eventually not the loudest voice.
Therapy/meditation/spiritual work/other forms of healing work depending on your style and needs- and, of course, getting support from ourselves in this work. Doing this alone is hard and having an outside perspective, having support and guidance, can be incredibly helpful.
In short, it’s not surprising that living in an imperfect world that we have learned to criticism and shame ourselves. This critic is not the enemy, but it often feels like one. Curiosity, connection, and self compassion (in small steps- this does not come overnight) can be incredibly helpful in building a better relationship with ourselves.
Boundaries
Click Here for a Video of the Boundary Talk I Gave on September 18th**
And here are a few resources/suggestions I typed up to go along with it:
A visual guide to the window of tolerance I did not make this- NICABM did.
Tips for Knowing your boundaries and Holding Them:
• If you can just say “yes” “no” or “I don’ know” and these feel clear then these are all valid and welcome- the following are suggestions for if you have trouble with that or if you are not entirely clear on your yes or your no.
• Build self knowledge (what are your values? How do they differ from those of your
peers? Partner(s) if any? Parents/caregivers? Societal expectations/norms?
• What societal/family/other messages have I internalized about boundaries? All these
ideas about boundaries that are not your true needs/wants are not coming from
nowhere- they are coming from somewhere- identifying them as an outside source
internalized can be helpful it identify and begin to separate from messages like “others
have to come first”, “I need to take care of people for me to matter to them”, “I’m not
allowed to express my needs”, “expressing my needs doesn’t matter because they won’t
be heard”.
• Find community (build supportive community for folks who have a genuine desire to
hear and respect your boundaries-
• Establishing hard no and hard yes both broadly and for specific circumstances you think will come up/are likely to come up: In sex and relationships (and be specific with that specific partner), at work, with childcare, with emotional/physical exhaustion, with loneliness/depression/overwhelm, with alone time, etc.
• Rehearsing (practicing what you want to say)
• Ask someone to clarify more about what they are wanting/what their intentions are (or
pause to do that yourself).
• Identifying supportive people who you think are likely or more likely to respect your yes and your no- start with them
• Pausing- If uncomfortable, uncertain, or having a feeling you can’t quite identify PAUSE.
• If you have trouble asking or saying you want to pause (the conversation, the activity)
directly, saying that you are going to get a snack, go to the bathroom, get a glass of
water, check your e-mail, say “I’ll need to call you right back”. , etc can be helpful.
• Starting small
• Grounding yourself (if possible) to clarify what your boundaries are (breathe, meditate,
move to a different room or location, go for a walk, etc)
• The other person’s reaction does not mean anything about you/your boundary MOST of the time- their discomfort with your boundary is not because your boundary is
bad/wrong/unfair UNLESS your boundary is about controlling them.
• Checking body cues
• Remembering times that you had a similar feeling in your body or a similar circumstance and how that went/how that felt based on your decision
• Journaling about your wants, needs, and values
• Finding practices that help you ground yourself/get back to your window of tolerance
and practicing them
• Whenever possible, take fear out of the decision making boundaries- fear is not WHAT
your boundaries are- it’s a potential block to clarifying them
• If possible, actually do have a snack if you are hungry or have not eaten in the last
couple of hours or drink some water. Both of these can help ground you.
• Suggest an alternative:
• Can we revisit this in 10 min, tomorrow, later?
• I love the idea of watching a movie, how about an action movie instead?
• Practice saying no or correcting people in safe and per-designated spaces (e.g. I am
going to tell my friend I don’ have time to talk today if they call, I am going to tell my
other trans friend my new name and ask them to use that for me).
• Ask your therapist or a friend to get something small wrong on purpose so you can
correct them in a pre-agreed upon way and circumstance to practice saying
no/correcting someone (e.g. favorite color).
• -Ask someone before saying no, how would you react if I did'n’t want to do ______?
• There are of course also more direct ways to say No. It’s great to practice those -
starting in places that feel the safest and supportive if possible.
• Are there people who already actively check in with you to make sure something is
okay? Start with those people.
• Set specific rules/guidelines/boundaries at the start of a relationship/activity/interaction
(or further in if not at the start) and refer back to those rules if something comes up.
• Other ways to say no: no, not right now, I’ll think about it, I’ll consider it/mull it over and get back to you, I’m more interested in ______, what if _______(insert alternative)
• Also, what can you do to be more supportive, affirming, and validating of someone
else’s no? Don’t forget to make this part of the learning process- both because it’s
helpful for the other person and the relationship and because it can be a way to model
how you want to be treated when you say no.
**please note that this video is not an endorsement of Center for Healthy Sex, they are just an organization I gave the talk for).
Coping with Strong Uncomfortable Emotions
Here is an example image of how to cope with a strong emotion. In this case, the example is panic. To make your own version- map out the trajectory of how this strong emotion was over the last time it came up - showing the peaks (e.g. anxiety, panic, anger, fear) and the valleys (e.g. numb, depression, apathy, shut down) and everything in between. Map out this emotion from when it began to when it subsided OR if it is too hard to identify that clearly, map out how it shifted and changed throughout the course of a 24 hour period.
Next, label the feeling or situations that impacts those feelings on the top of the bell curve top/in one color. For example, you might highlight “argument with my boyfriend” or “was late to work and that set off a ruminating cycle of things I have done wrong lately”. After that, label the coping tools you think were helpful/might be helpful in that moment on the bottom/in a different color. Use this to help you identify specific coping tools and strengths you can utilize when distress begins, as it is peaking, at it’s peak, and as it falls. Remember that no uncomfortable emotions are a constant- they will peak and fall - some will go away completely and some will peak and decrease, but there is is always movement.
Brief imagine description: A blue line peaks, falls, some small peaks, dips, and then evens out- this line is meant to represent the rise and fall of panic in response to a specific trigger. On the top of the line are specific descriptions of what is happening in that moment - e.g. heart rate decreases, starting to calm down, numb/exhausted- and on the bottom of the line are specific descriptions of coping tools to implement in that moment (e.g. breathing exercises, cuddling a pet, biofeedback from tracking heart rate, tensing and relaxing muscles).
Guilt
Image description: A person hiding face while others point at them
What is the positive intention of guilt? What can we learn from guilt?
Guilt often comes from one of these places:
A cue- indicating that we aren't in line with our values or how we want(ed) to show up in a particular situation. e.g. feeling guilty because you didn't study for a test and education is really important to you. That doesn't mean you are a bad person- it just means your body is telling you that you aren't in line with how you want to show up.
A legacy burden (generations of training and experiences) e.g. the concern of Jewish or Catholic guilt- which in my lived experience is definitely a thing
A learned/socialized response to being shamed/judged/policed for taking up spaces or asking for your needs. e.g. a trans person feeling guilty for correcting someone on their pronouns.
For this prompt, I want to encourage you to:
Think about a moment recently when you felt guilty about something.
See if you can identify which one (or more) of the above was the source of your guilt.
How, if at all, might this perspective shift your relationship to feelings of guilt?
Self Care
Image Description: grey tabby cat naps snuggled up with a plush cat toy
What is self care? Is it relaxing in a bubble bath? Painting your nails? Binge watching your favorite TV show? So often I hear therapist ask clients and even each other, “are you practicing self care”? When what they really mean is, are you giving yourself a break? Are you doing things you enjoy. Don’t get me wrong, allowing ourselves rest and enjoyment, as much as we are able, is so important. But, often this question is posed as if YOU are doing something wrong if you are not resting. “Why aren’t YOU practicing self care?”. This is something we cannot be guilted into and is not something we can do alone. So many therapists talk about “self care” as if it means bubble baths and going for a walk outside. Self care is not just these individual and temporary sources of respite. If you have trouble finding time for these forms of self care or if they do not sustain you, that does not mean you are doing anything wrong.
We need to expand the conversation on self care. When talking about self care to talk about harmful workplace culture, capitalism, toxic individualism, and systems of oppression. I would like to see more talk about changing systems and more talk about community supports. I think we focus way too much on individual self-care and not enough on dismantling toxic structures and building healing community. I want to see more discussion of healthy interdependence. I want more discussion of breakdowns and bad days as part of the human experience. Let’s talk about the impact of struggling with poverty and discrimination on self care. Let’s talk about unlearning unrealistic expectations of ourselves and others.
For today’s mental health practice, try to reimagine what caring for yourself looks like in a way that is NOT individualistic and that takes systemic factors into account
Some prompts (pick one or two to focus on):
Who is someone you admire (either in real life or in the media) in terms of how they show up for themself?
What does a not-self-harming way of showing up for your community/causes that are important to you look like?
What helps you ask for help? What helps you challenge the ideas that you are a burden if you ask for help? What helps you challenge the idea that you have have to do this (whatever this is) on your own?
What support exists in your community to help you? What supports are missing? Are there people you can ask do to some of that emotional labor to look for/help build additional supports?
How have you been tending to shame, guilt, or fear? What tools might help you approach this discomfort more mindfully and with less avoidance?
Alternatively, what might help you recognize that you aren’t in a place to tackle this yet and right now you need rest?
What does emotional respite look like, feel like, sound like?
When do you feel the most yourself? When do you feel you can truly connect with your values? Passions? Hopes? Community?
What people, places, practices, etc help you challenge dominant narratives around how you are “supposed” to be, feel, think, or look?
What stories do you want to be telling about yourself to yourself (e.g. stories about strength, resilience, etc). ? How can you rethink what you are already doing this way?
What emotional weights are carrying from others expectations about you? How would you show up differently if you didn’t have to apologize for how you are and who you are?
Partially inspired by this article about self care:
https://thebodyisnotanapology.com/magazine/reclaiming-my-self-care-beyond-baths-wine/